Political "Stuff" 002

Why did the Chicken cross the road
    BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

  JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation
and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

 HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience
makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right  from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country
gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.  But then, this really isn't about me....... 
 
  DR. PHIL:
  The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must  first deal with the problem
on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What
we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems
before adding 'NEW' problems.
 
  OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so
bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest
of the chickens.

 GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to  know if the chicken is on
our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
 
  COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
       
  ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the
other side of the road.
 
  JOHN KERRY:
lthough I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now,
and will remain against it.

  NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

  PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
 
   MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's
Market to sell my eggs when the price  dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
 
  DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
 chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

  ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
    
 GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road,
and that was good enough.
 
 BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the  chicken tell, for the first time, the heart
warming story of how it  experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long
dream of crossing the road.

 ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
 
  JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

  BILL GATES:
 I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new
platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% .........  reboot.
 
  ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

  BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
 
  AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

 COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
 
  DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
 
 AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens  

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.

REPUBLICANISM
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and give it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with the milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new fram program the government pays you to
shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the mi8lk down the
drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the
2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.  You spin an
announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized
and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,
give excellent milk, and run a hundred miles an
hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per
year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows
you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any
creature's private parts.
You get $40 million grant from the US government to find
alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy
weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting
to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times
he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best
accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one
you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegal.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.