Other bashing "Stuff" 001

A lawyer runs a stop sign & gets pulled over by a deputy.
He thinks he's smarter than the deputy because he's a NY lawyer & certain he
had a better education then a cop from GA, so decided to prove it to himself
& have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy: "License & registration, please."
Lawyer: "What for?"
Deputy: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer: "I slowed down, no one was coming."
Deputy "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License & registration, please."
Lawyer "What's the difference?"
Deputy "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, it's the law. License & registration!"
Lawyer "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down & stop,

I'll give you my license & registration, you give
me a ticket. If not you let me go & don't give me a ticket."
Deputy: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle."
The deputy takes out his nightstick & starts beating the crap outta the
lawyer & says "Want me to stop? Or just slow down?"

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE:

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Arkansas ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

AND....LAST BUT NOT LEAST

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time.." A southern  fairytale begins
Yallll ain't gonna believe this shit

Moving to Philadelphia

Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another  fellow took a seat 
Beside him. The new guy was an absolute  wreck...pale, hands shaking, 
Biting his nails and moaning in  fear.
 
" Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck  asked.  
"Oh man... I've been transferred to Philadelphia,"  
The other guy answered, "there's crazy people in Philly..
& they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, high crime  rate...."
 
"Hold on" Chuck interrupted, "I've lived  in Philly all my life 
And it is not as bad as the media says.  Find a nice home, 
Go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a 
Good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
 
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking  for a moment and said, 
"Oh thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there 
And say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?", said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread  truck in North Philadelphia."

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the
necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make
a circular cut in the ice. 

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a cup of cappuccino from her thermos, and began to cut
yet another hole. 

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once
more and tried again to cut her hole. 

The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!" 

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK." 

SOUTHERNISMS (but some could be Politically Correct Edisms and/or Harmonisms)

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Have a cup of coffee--it's already been 'saucered and blowed.'

She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm. 

It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

My cow died last night, so I don't need your bull.

He's as country as cornflakes.

This is gooder'n grits.

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

I'm 'bout as........ Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Busy as a moth in a mitten.

Happy as a clam at high tide.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Advice for Northerners moving to the South:

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

If you DO run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a
12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their
way. This is what they live for.

You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and
rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective
"big ol'", as in "big ol' truck", or "big ol' boy". "Fixin'" (as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store") is 2nd,
and "Y'all" is 3rd.

As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road,
remember: All Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane
position for that vehicle.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", get out of his way. These are likely the last
words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.

Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking
on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car
was purchased.

If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your
presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store.
It is just something you're supposed to do.

Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front
of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and
should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

One last warning but probably the most important one to remember: Be advised that in the South,
"He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.  It gallops along at a steady
and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she wraps her arms around the horse's mane, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.  The
horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.   Finally giving up her frail grip, she leaps
from the horse to try and throw herself to safety, Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup
and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again
and again. 

As her head is battered against the ground, she is moments away from unconsciousness when...

the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

Q. Why do Aggie graduates hang their diplomas from the rear view mirror?
A. To justify their parking in a handicap parking space.

Q. Do you know why the Aggie football team should change their names to the "Possums"?
A. Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q. Why doesn't A&M have ice on the sidelines?
A. The guy with the recipe graduated.

Q. What do you get when you drive slowly by the A$M campus?
A. A degree.

Q. What do you get when you breed a groundhog and an Aggie football player?
A. Six more weeks of bad football.

Q. How many Aggie freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, it's a second year course.

Q. How do you get a Aggie graduate off the porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.

Q. The Aggie football team was placed in a remedial English class.
 The professor asked the class, "Does anyone know what comes after the sentence?"
A. All of the players raised their hands, "The appeal", they all shouted with pride.

Q. Why is it that the Aggie football team doesn't have a web site?
A. They can't string three W's together.

Q. What does the average A&M player get on his SAT's?
A. Drool.

Q. What are the best four years of a Aggie student's life?
A. Third grade.