Off Color "Stuff" 002

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Home Depot Scam
A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, 30th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.

Kitchen Sex

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in.
She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."
His eyes light up....and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all....on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
She explains, "The egg timer's broken

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also known by
Amoxicillin, and Advil is aka Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that
it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafailin, Mycoxadrupin,
Mydixarizin, Dixafix and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will be soon available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will be now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,
and it gives new meaning to the name cocktails, highballs and just a
good old fashioned stiff one. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
name of MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimers research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections
and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A cowboy is riding on the wide open western plains one day when he suddenly 
hears a loud rumbling.  Before he knows it, a group of Indian braves has 
completely surrounded him.  They capture him and take him back to their village 
and put him in an empty teepee.  About 5 minutes later the chief comes in and 
says to the cowboy, "Usually you would be immediately scalped, tied to the 
ground, and left to be eaten slowly by the vultures. However we are in a period 
of sacred religious celebrations so you will be spared for 3 days. Do you have 
any last wishes?"

The cowboy thinks about it for a while and says to the chief:
"I'd like to talk to my horse."

The chief thinks about his strange request and eventually agrees.  So the 
cowboy goes outside and puts his nose right up to the horses nose and begins to 
mutter softly. The horse then takes off like a rocket and comes back 6 hours 
later with a beautiful brunette on his back.  The cowboy takes her into the 
teepee and she leaves the next day.  

The following day the cowboy asks the chief if he can talk to his horse again. 
The chief gives him a little smile and agrees. So again the cowboy puts his 
nose to the horses nose and he takes off like a shot. He comes back later with 
a gorgeous blond on his back.  

The next and final day comes and the cowboy desperately asks the chief for one 
more chance to talk to his horse.  The chief now a little disgusted 
begrudgingly agrees. So the cowboy puts his nose right up to the horses nose 
and says:

"O.K. listen horse. You've gotta get it right this time.  Bring me a POSSE 
horse! A POSSE!

Dear Dr.Phil,

   When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime
-- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife, Mary,
to join me, but she just never liked fishing. Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle
Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing
as much as I do.  We quickly became fishing buddies.  As I said, Mary doesn't care
about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend
too much time fishing.

   A few weeks ago, Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever.  Not only did I catch
the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught
his twin brother!  So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught
and showed the picture to Mary hoping that maybe she'd get interested.  Instead she says
she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I
think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself. What would you do?  Tell Mary to
forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?  

PS Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught  

Dear Fisherman, Get rid of that narrow minded wife.
That's a nice pair of bass!
DR Phil

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