Off Color "Stuff" 001

Philosophical Differences
  A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.  After a while, the priest
put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're
not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?" The rabbi closed his newspaper
and responded, "I must tell you the truth.  Yes I have, on the odd occasion."  The rabbi had his
turn of interrogation.  He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate...
but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to
temptation once or twice."  The two resumed their reading.  There was silence for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it!!??"

Twisted Disney.....
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball,
but only on two conditions.  "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm
will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and
goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking
love-struck and **very** satisfied.  "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your
diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"  "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.
He took care of everything."  "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other...."

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters
when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see
if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever
indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town
and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad
Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said,
"Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red Riding Hood
calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at
him and said,
"No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

Did you know... Captain Hook died from jock itch

The two major party presidential candidates today agreed that Americans are seeing too much inappropriate
material in popular ntertainment. However, they disagreed on the details.  The Republican candidate,
George W. Bush, stated that there is too much bloody violence in the movies and on television.
Vice President Al Gore, his Democratic opponent, stated meanwhile that the media present Americans with
too much sex and frontal nudity.
In other words, Bush says there is too much gore and Gore says there is too much bush.

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that
it would not blow off in the wind. A steward approached her and said:  "Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward, but  did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

 "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

 "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the steward in earnest.

 The woman looked down, then back up at the man and  replied, "Sir, anything you see down there
is 85 years  old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Yard work...

A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake.
He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"  She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first
points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.  The wife is not sure what
he means and says,  "What?' The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE THE RAKE"  The wife replies that
she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she
points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on
that one.  Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the friggin' hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH"

Gone Fishing

One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near a river or lake, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to
return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.
"What terrible weather today, honey," he said to her.
"Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!"

This elderly 92 year old man went to his doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw
the elderly gentleman walking down the street with a gorgeous and sexy blonde on his arm.
At his follow up vist, the doctor talked to the man and said:
"You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you said doctor, 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful'"
The doctor said :
"I didn't say that, I said "you got a heart murmur, be careful"

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your
problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter
than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of
his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the
conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"  Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The
teacher says to the principal "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. The teacher asks,
"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment replies, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in
your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!  Harry replied,
"Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends
with a T, is hairy, oval,and delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? Harry: "A Coconut" The principal's eyes open
really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes
out soft and sticky?" Harry: "Bubblegum"  Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog
does on three legs?"  The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer....... Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some "who am I" sort of questions, okay?  Harry: "Yep." Teacher: "You stick your pole inside me.
You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Harry: "A Tent" Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me
when you're bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Harry: "A Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." Harry: "A Nose" Teacher: "I have
a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." Harry: "An Arrow" Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of excitement?" Harry: "A Fire truck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."