Medical "Stuff" 001

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             YOU MIGHT BE A NURSE IF.....

...Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal.

...Your idea of a good time is a full code at change of shift.

...You find humor in other people's stupidity.

...You believe in aerosol spraying of PROZAC.

...You believe that "shallow gene pool" should be a diagnosis.

...You believe that chocolate is a food group.

...You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is quiet around here".

...You compliment a complete stranger on his veins.

...You hate working on nights with a full moon.

...You do NOT think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate for this patient.

...You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "SUICIDE..GETTING IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME."

...You think caffeine should be available in IV form.

...You have uttered the phrase..."And what changed tonight at 0200 that makes it an emergency after 6 months?"

...You believe that all waiting rooms should be supplied with Valium salt licks.

...When you mention vegetables, you are NOT referring to the food group.

...Your patient insists "I have no idea how that got stuck up there."

...You have your weekends off, marked and planned for 5 years.

...You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA.

...You have ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.

...You have threatened to use "the hose" if your patient will not give a urine sample.

...You KNOW that K-Y is optional.

New and Dangerous Viruses:

Woody Allen Virus; Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a
daughter card

Tanya Harding Virus; Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

Paul Revere Virus; Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by
LAN, 2 if by C:\

Ollie North Virus; Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your

Joey Buttafuaco Virus; Only attacks minor files

Michael Jackson Virus; Preys on child processes

Ronald Reagan Virus; Saves your data, but forgets where it's

Jane Fonda Virus; Attacks your hard drive's FAT

Oprah Winfrey virus; Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

AT&T Virus; Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you are getting.

MCI Virus; Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying
too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct Virus; Never calls itself a "virus," but
instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus; Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole darn thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus; Terminates and stays resident with
"It'll be back."

Government Economist Virus; Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Beaurocrat Virus; Divides your hard disk into hundreds of
little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of
which claim to be the most important part of your computer 

Adam and Eve Virus; Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple

Congressional Virus #1; The computer locks up, screen splits
erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the
other side for the problem

Congressional Virus #2; Runs every program on the hard drive
simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything

Airline Virus; You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore

Freudian Virus; Your computer becomes obsessed with its own
motherboard.  Or becomes very jealous of the size of your
friend's hard drive

PBS Virus; Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money

Jimmy Hoffa Virus; Your programs can never be found again

LAPD Virus; It claims it feels threatened by the other files on
your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

O.J. Simpson Virus; It claims that it did not, could not, and
would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus
that did it.

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