Male Bashing "Stuff" 001
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How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates an d surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.
Dry off forearms and butt only.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
there is something so very wrong with you.
Have a great day! And, "woo woo"!!!
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story.
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon Or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1.Crying is blackmail.
1.Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1.Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1.A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1.If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls ,don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1 If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you
sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1.If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such
topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, Or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape."Round" IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - To give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger laugh
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart
......Then you are just an old sour fart.
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end
up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer."
Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her
voice "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away:
"We're down here"
A Woman Who Reads
One morning a husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, his wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, drops anchor and begins to read her book.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,
"Good morning, ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, Officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I have not even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day, ma'am," he said, and left.
Moral of this story: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It is likely that she can also think.
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic
quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to
loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right
honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer
artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to
the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."
The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said
sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law! You will
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert
afterward. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and
towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done,
guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director would be my guess."
Subject: Men (not "men"t to offend)
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It's our job
to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until they mature. And
hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would like to have dinner
Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . .Men-tal Breakdown.
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?
Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women:....
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
The Top Ten Things Men Know About Women
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