Funny "Stuff" 011
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John Cleese's Letter to America
To the citizens of the United States of America
In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories
(except Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint
a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words
such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix
"ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra';
you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply
can't cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5.There is no such thing as " US English." We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd
will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in
England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion
tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the
British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors
to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in "Four Weddings! and a Funeral" was an experience akin
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one
kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave
enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played
outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the
regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When
he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little
pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the
straw end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there
was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas,
Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it? "
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
2006 Bumper Stickers
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
Does that screwdriver belong to Phillip?
Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How many weeks are there in a light year?
If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?"
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his walkman?
If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine, it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal
body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns
sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger
and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on),
and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is another galloping horse.
Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
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