Funny "Stuff" 010

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The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born
in 1987. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine
They have always had cable.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws!
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane".
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter


The insurance firm put a sign in the window saying "HELP WANTED.
You must be a good typist and have good computer skills.
Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." 

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window,
saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,
then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air. 

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least,
to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined so he led him into
the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly. 

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." 

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect
business letter. He took out the page with his mouth and trotted over to the manager,
gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair wagging his tail. 

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry.
The sign clearly says that whomever I hire must have computer skills."
The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his
expertise with various programs.
He produced a sample Excel spreadsheet, a sample Power Point presentation, retouched
a picture with Photo shop, and then printed all of them for the manager. 

The manager was dumbfounded. He said to the dog, "Listen, I realize that you are a
very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog! There's no way I can hire you!" 

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the
words, "Equal Opportunity Employer." 

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the sign says. But the sign also
says you have to be bilingual." 

The dog looked him straight in the eye............................................ 

and said,   "Meow." 

    Happy Thanksgiving!
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

The Idiot Report 2006
Number One Idiot

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring
her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened
to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
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Number Two Idiot

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one
of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter
coming towards them.

It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated
when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing.
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Number Three Idiot

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this.
"Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.

So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting
a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising
from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
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Number Four Idiot

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar
and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.
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Number Five Idiot

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.

After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted
behind the counter on the shelf.

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
"Because I don't believe you are over 21."

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.

They arrested the robber two hours later.
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Idiot Number Six

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.

The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
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Idiot Number Seven

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder
block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.

So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced
back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape.
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I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

From Kingman , KS

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter
for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

He was a Chef?

Yep...From Kansas City!

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put
\anything in your baggage without your knowledge?

To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
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The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
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At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing."

Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often."

Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
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I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her
own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.
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When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys 
had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered
that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"

His reply, "I know - I already got that side."

This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi!

Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote

They walk among us…and they REPRODUCE!

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