Funny "Stuff" 006

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Slap Your Co-Worker Day is Coming!!!

    Monday is the official Slap Your Irritating Co-workers Holiday: Do you have a co-worker who talks nonstop about nothing, working your last nerve with tedious and boring detail that you don't care about? Do you have a co-worker who ALWAYS screws up stuff creating MORE work for you? Do you have a co-worker who kisses so much booty; you can look in their mouth and see what your boss had for lunch? Do you have a co-worker who is SOOO obnoxious, when he/she enters a room, everyone else clears it? Well, on behalf or Ike Turner, I am so very vary glad to officially announce Monday as SLAP YOUR IRRITATING CO-WORKER DAY! Here are the rules you must follow:

* You can only slap one person per hour - no more.
* You can slap the same person again if they irritate you again in the same day.
* You are allowed to hold someone down as other co-workers take their turns slapping the irritant.
* No weapons are allowed...other than going upside somebody's head with a stapler or a hole puncher.
* If questions by a supervisor {or police, if supervisor is the Irritant), you are allowed to LIE, LIE, LIE!!

Now, study the rules, break out your list of folks that you want to slap the living day lights out of and get to slapping...and have a great day!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to
call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea.  

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl
sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all
things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater,
but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said,
"I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months
ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the
organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter." 

Vanilla Pudding Robbery

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the
Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security
system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large
safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes
throughout the bank.  The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside
they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape
system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."  The robbers opened up a
second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued
until all safes were opened.  They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an
ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a
queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?  
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them
on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will no
make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by
driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork
chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means
they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness
that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you
have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact,
they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only
be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good
food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an
attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand
- chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO, What a Ride"

Andy Rooney's Tips for Handling Telemarketers Andy Rooney's Tips for Handling Telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work !!

(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately)
would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would
grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you
know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of
day when a person answers the phone.  This technique is used to determine the best time of
day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start
hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the
machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a
shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your
payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd
mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular
37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them
away!! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight.
In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little,
postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank.
If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!
It still costs them 37 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the
mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of
junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their
business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and
I get very little junk mail anymore.

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