Funny "Stuff" 005

WISER BEYOND THEIR WILDEST IMAGINATIONS !!!  
 
"Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'"
- Lillian Carter (mother of 64th president Jimmy Carter)
 
"I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description
in the catalog: "'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'"
- Eleanor Roosevelt
 
"Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by
her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement."
- Mark Twain
 
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as
close together as possible."
- George Burns

"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year."
- Victor Borge
 
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
- Mark Twain
 
"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir..mighty scarce."
- Mark Twain
 
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll
become a philosopher."
- Socrates
 
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
- Groucho Marx
 
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante
 
"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do
most things."
- Jilly Cooper
 
"I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
 
"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine,
sugar and fat."
- Alex Levine
 
"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."
- Mark Twain
 
"My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying."
- Ed Furgol
 
"Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery"
- Spike Milligan
 
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money."
- Henny Youngman
 
"I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position."
- Mark Twain
 
"Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up."
- Joe Namath
 
"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."
- Herbert Henry Asquith
 
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
- Bob Hope
 
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
- WC. Fields
 
"We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress."
- Will Rogers
 
"Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you."
- Winston Churchill
 
"Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall
out, or spread out."
- Phyllis Diller
 
"The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out."
- Unknown
 
"By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere."
- Billy Crystal

SCRABBLE WHIZ

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE ONE:

**PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. 
 
But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. 
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run 
over at a rate of three to six a day. 

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got 
to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all 
of my chickens." 

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. 

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" 

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that 
said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING. 

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to 
do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to 
make them go even faster." 

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new 
sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY. 

That really sped them up So Farmer Jo hn called and called and called 
every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are 
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" 

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to 
let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop 
calling everyday to complain. 

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, 
curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John 
a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?" 

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got 
to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone. 

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better 
go out there and take a look at that sign. . . it might be something that 
WE could use to slow down drivers. . ." 

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the 
moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood: 

NUDIST COLONY - Go slow and watch out for the chicks!

Can't eat Beef, Mad  cow....  

Can't eat chicken . bird flu  

Can't eat eggs ..  Salmonella  

Can't eat pork ..  fears of trichinosis...  

Can't eat fish ..  heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat  
 
Can't eat  fruits and veggies ..  insecticides and herbicides  

Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!  


I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!!!!!! 

Remember -  - -   "STRESSED"  spelled backwards is  " DESSERTS "  

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in
the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member
of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of
these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they
are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into
account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A

Twenty Ways to Maintain A Healthy Sanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.
See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine
addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream, "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,
"run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . .
e-mail this to someone to make them smile and laugh. Its called therapy.