Funny "Stuff" 004

A young man goes to buy the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GT.  It is also the most
expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "

Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" he states proudly.

The old moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.

Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car,
all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He
slows down to see what it could be and suddenly Whoosh! something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors
the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph.

WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all
the way up to 320 mph.

Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat
out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young
man stops and jumps out, unbelievably the old man is still alive!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers...

"UNHOOK...MY...SUSPENDERS...FROM...YOUR...SIDE VIEW....MIRROR!"

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day
at work ... think of this guy, Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers
in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station
103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job
experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.
************************************
Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you
realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the
office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what
we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful
temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with
no complaints.. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is
take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my
whole suit with warm water. It 's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The
hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick
to it.

However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my
dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the
fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down
his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I
got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days
because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse
it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to
yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, "Is this a jellyfish bad day?"

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street
from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then
ducking into the house.

"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant
Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!"

They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work. A short time later they
watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house
when he was satisfied no one had spied him.

"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those
Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the
cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!"

Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house
looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door.

"Oh no, Darby look!" Said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.  After they got 
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes 
the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, 
it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of  planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears 
to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord 
is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it 
seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"Someone stole tent."

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the
world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the
death of a very important person, which almost
went unnoticed last week.  Larry LaPrise, the
man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died
peacefully at the age of 93. 
                          
The most traumatic part for his family was getting
him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.

And then the trouble started

Top 17 Fatal Things
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
The top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant:

17. "I finished the Oreos."

16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40
pounds."

15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee
had a baby..!!"

14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby
forever!"

13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super
Bowl."

12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise
visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy,
that's gotta hurt."

10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to
Willard  Scott!"

9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of
childbirth?"

8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

7. "Get your *own* ice cream." 

6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

5. "Got milk ?"

4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of
Madagascar!"

2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

Some new and really interesting word creations and definitions for your enjoyment!

  The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

  Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is a real word with only one letter altered to
form an artificial word. Some are terrifically innovative:

 1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start
with.

 2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

 4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.

 5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

 6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

 7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

 8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

 9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

10. Karmageddion: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a
spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

AND THE PICK OF THE 
17. Ignoranus : The person who's both stupid and an asshole.