Funny "Stuff" 003

I WENT TO WAL-MART THE OTHER DAY. I WAS ONLY IN THERE FOR ABOUT 5 MINUTES.  WHEN I CAME OUT THERE
WAS A CITY COP WRITING OUT A PARKING TICKET. 

I WENT UP TO HIM AND SAID, "COME ON, BUDDY, HOW ABOUT GIVING A SENIOR A  BREAK?"

HE IGNORED ME AND CONTINUED WRITING THE TICKET. I CALLED HIM A PIG.  HE GLARED AT ME AND STARTED
WRITING ANOTHER TICKET FOR HAVING WORN TIRES. SO I CALLED HIM A WORSE NAME. HE FINISHED THE SECOND
TICKET AND PUT IT ON THE WINDSHIELD WITH THE FIRST. THEN HE STARTED WRITING A THIRD TICKET.

THIS WENT ON FOR ABOUT 20 MINUTES. THE MORE I ABUSED HIM THE MORE TICKETS HE WROTE.

I DIDN'T CARE. MY CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER AND THIS ONE HAD A "HILLARY IN '08" BUMPER STICKER ON IT.

I TRY TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN EACH DAY NOW THAT I'M RETIRED.  IT'S IMPORTANT AT MY AGE.

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?		Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?		Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?		They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?		You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?		Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?		Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?		A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?		Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?		Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?		Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?		Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?		Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?		A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?		Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?		Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?		Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?		Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?		Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!	The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?		Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
		A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang		A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?		Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Philosophy 

 GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

 GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

 GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from
 a roller coaster.
 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
 3) You are Santa Claus.
 4) You look like Santa Claus.

 SUCCESS:
 At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
 At age 12 success is . having friends.
 At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
 At age 35 success is . having money.
 At age 50 success is . . . having money.
 At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
 At age 75 success is . having friends.

 At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.
 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two the vet shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck Cuddles has passed away." 

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" 

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. 

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might
just be in a coma or something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As
the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination
table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. 

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the
table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its
head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I
said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." 

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me  my duck is dead!" 

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab
Report and the Cat Scan, it's  now $150."

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the
monkey, "Hey! what are you doing?"  The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded
friend."  So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. 

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry', and that he's going to get a drink from the river. At the
riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. 

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.  He then asks the lizard,
"What's the matter with you man?!"  The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree,
smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so
wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in! 

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the
monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. 

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!" 

The Monkey looks down and says "DDDAAAMMMMNNN, DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"

Subject: Lipstick in School
 
According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were  beginning to use lipstick and would  put it on in the washroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little
lip prints. Every night, the  maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met
them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.  To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the
mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.  He took out a long-handled
squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Surprisingly since then, there have been absolutely NO lip prints on the mirror, whatsoever... not even one!!

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one.

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering
machine on, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and
requested a taxi.  The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had
put out into the yard scoots back into the house.  They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always
tries to eat the bird.  The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.  The cat
runs upstairs, the man hot pursuit.  Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to  know the house
will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon "He's just
going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."  A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I
took so long," he says, as they drive away.  "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a
coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap
her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw
her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...