Funny "Stuff" 002

(This is a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.){Editor doesn't know if this is true}

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving
with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her
lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat.
They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back
of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why, .. it was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a
football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into
the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story
couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car
jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair,
and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

Moral of the story?! If you're going to have a Senior Moment, .. make it memorable

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
Remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less, makes your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned
the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty
and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight 
attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive,
but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're
overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the
size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes,
but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class.  The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest
hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no
extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and
explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors. He asked if I'd be so kind as to step into
his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked
through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"

 In March 1992 a man living in Newtown near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit
card stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that
one away too.  The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going
to cancel his card if he didn't send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said
it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it. The following month he decided that it was about
time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it
would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in
payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled.  He called the credit card company who
apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got
a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.  Assuming that having spoken to the credit card
company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the
company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out. The next month he got a bill for $0.00
stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00.
The computer duly processed  his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit
card company nothing at all.  A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a
check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check
processing software to fail.  The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day
because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.  The following month the man received a letter
from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them  $0.00 and unless he
sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt.  The man, who had been considering
buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside  service for a homeless man, with
no family or friends, who had died while traveling through the  area. The funeral was to  be held at a
cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the  first to be laid to rest  there. As I was not
familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and  being a typical man did  not stop for directions. 

I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was
nowhere in sight. 
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness,  and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the
vault lid already in place. I assured  the workers I would not hold them long, but to have me talk  was the
proper thing to do. 

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. . I poured out my  heart and soul. As I  preached the
workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," I preached, and I  preached, like I'd never
preached before: from 
Genesis all the way to Revelations. 

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car feeling  I had done my duty for the homeless
man and that the crew would leave with a renewed sense of purpose  and dedication, in  spite of my
tardiness. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I  overheard one of the  workers saying to
another,  "I ain't never seen anything like this before and I've been  putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

This is for all you women 40 years and over.... and for those who are turning 40, and for those who are
scared of moving into their 40's...  AND for guys who are scared of girls over 40!!!!
...This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes. 

Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care
what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She
does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an
expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can
get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will
often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40
couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right ! off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one!
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning,
smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of
himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you.
Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire
Pig, just to get a little sausage.

Subject: RE: SPLITTING FIREWOOD
"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?" "Yes. What can I do for  you?"
"I'm callin to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house.  They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.  Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?" "Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Who says rednecks ain't real bright?!)