Funny "Stuff" 001

Unanswered Questions

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards:  NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are
known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths: 
  a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
  b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
  c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they  just stale bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is
not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
 musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of  bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older;
then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I
wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they
deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice:
When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

Teaching Math in 1950:  A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the
price.  What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:  A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the
price, or $80.  What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:  A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set  "M" of money.  The cardinality of set
"M" is 100.  Each element is worth one dollar.  Make 100 dots representing the
elements of the set "M".   The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set  "M."  
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question:  What
is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:  A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her
profit is $20.  Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:  By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger  makes $20.  What do you think of
this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question:  How did the forest
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?  There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:  By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to
$100.  How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock
options at $80?  Assume capital  gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:  A company out-sources all of its loggers.  The firm saves on benefits, and when
demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back.  The average logger employed
by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance.  The
contracted logger charges $50 an hour.  Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:  A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed
marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal,
mowing down 16 executives an d a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the
premises collecting his kickback.  Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999:  A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being
trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K( year 2000) projects.  What is the probability that
the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

Lorraine Rice (Euterpe)found these definitions in a ladies room on Long Island.

Some new vocabulary for your lexicon, guys

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through
a spider web. 

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and
cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone
layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.

5) Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

6) Decaflon (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

7) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

8) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented upon. Also
known as an E-T-ry.

9) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.),
which has made a meal of many species.

10) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

11) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

12) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

13) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money
to start with.

14) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

15) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2005...

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a
$26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
 
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police
line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."
 
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
 
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the  money in the cash drawer.
Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself
for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
 
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself
during a lineup.  When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!".
 
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". 
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
 
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. 
King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun... Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
(hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA,
some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter
how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina,
thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.  A thorough topside check revealed
everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down,
and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.  So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water
to check underneath.  He came up choking on water,  he was laughing so hard.
 
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to
know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great!

"Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class. 

SCHIZOPHRENIA: 
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
..... Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants... and...

PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you why

DEPRESSION:
Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock...
(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away)

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

 A Russian couple was walking down the street in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining" he
said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument
about whether it was raining or snowing.  Just then, they saw a
minor communist party official walking toward them.  "Let's not
fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether
it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it
officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course!" he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!"

The man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear...

Having little appreciation for most fruitcake, I really must tell you
that I found this one well worth looking into.  Enjoy the recipe.

The Best Fruit Cake Ever
Ingredients:
 1 cup butter
 1 cup sugar
 4 large eggs
 1 cup dried fruit
 1 teaspoon baking powder
 1 teaspoon baking soda
 1 tablespoon lemon juice
 1 cup brown sugar
 1 cup nuts
 1 or two quarts of aged whiskey

Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good, isn't it?
Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.
Check the whiskey again as it must be just right.
To be sure the whiskey is of the highest quality,
pour 1 level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.
Repeat.
With an eclectic mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat the hell out of it again.
Meanwhile, at this parsnicular point in time, wake sure that the whixey
hasn't gone bad while you weren't lookin.
Open second quart if nestessary.
Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups fried druit an beat til high.
If druit getsshtuck in peaters, just pry the monsters loosh with a
drewscriver. Example the whikstey again, shecking confistancy, then
shift 2 cups of salt or destergent or whatever, like anyone gives a shit.

Chample the whitchey shum more. Shift in shum lemon zhoosh. Fold in
chopped sputter and shrained nuts. Add 100 babblespoons of brown
booger or whushever's closhest and mix well.
Greash ubben and turn the cakey pan to 350 decrees.
Now pour the whole puddin' mesh into the washin' chamine and
set on sinsh  shycle. Check dat whixney
wunsh more and pash out.