Just Plain "Dumb" "Stuff" 001

Idiots and Computers:

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank.  Employees in the field call him when
they have problems with their computers.  One night he got a call
from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:

"I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.  Do you guys 
have a fire downtown?"

A woman called a jewelry story and asked to speak to the jeweler.

Woman:  Can you tell me how much my diamond is worth?
Jeweler:  Sure, just bring it in and we'll take a look at it.
Woman:  Gee, I really don't have time to do that.  Can't you just
tell me over the phone?
Jeweler:  Well, maybe, if you hold the diamond a little closer to
the phone...

Idiots Do Math:

A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to
visit her for the holidays.  Someone asked how old her sister
was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered,
"She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember."

So someone else (okay, it was me) said, "That's neat...  So every
year that you age, she only ages half a year?"  My co-worker
thought about that, and then said, "Oh, yeah, I guess it only
works on even years."

Idiots In Food Services

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce."  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

Idiots Are Easy To Please

I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented
that the next day would be the shortest day of the year.  My lab
partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping.  I
explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the
actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very
disappointed.

Idiots in the Neighborhood

I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason:  Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer
wanted them to cross there.

Advice for Idiots:

An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health &
Safety Handbook for Employees."

   "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

Idiots and Geography:

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I 
described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic.  My boss 
said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?"

Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that
it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by
Croatia?"

A customer at a sub shop ordered "a small soda."
The owner responded, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't
have small, just medium and large."  (Both cost 99 cents.)

The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed
business type, disappointedly said, "Okay, I guess
I'll just have to have the medium then."

Warning!

At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank
card readers at the checkout stands.  If you don't know how to
orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout
person will say, "Strip down, face toward me."

Editor's Note:  Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?

Sign in a gas station:  Coke -- 49 cents.  Two for a dollar

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card.  She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed.  When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. 
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully
compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt.  As
luck would have it, they matched

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a
popular contraceptive jelly - because she ate the stuff on toast
and got pregnant anyway. And, incredibly, many legal experts are
saying she's got an excellent chance of collecting! "The woman is
a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we not use
his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal
gel will prevent conception? "But certain aspects of the case
involve truth in labeling and false advertising issues. She may
not collect but she'll make a lot of noise and trouble. People
are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and money on
frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public relations
any."      A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says
he's shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken
seriously. "All she has to do is open the box and read the
directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing you
know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick
things together with their toothpaste. "I can just imagine some
moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these
papers onto my bulletin board?'" But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton
say she was swindled and lied to by implication and they intend
to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the hardship the woman will
have to endure. "It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton,
a former model who was once a cheerleader for a popular
professional basketball team. "And they kept it on the shelf just
two aisles from the food section. I know, now, that the
directions say it should be used vaginally with a condom.    
"But who has time to sit around reading directions these days -
especially when you're sexually aroused? "The company should call
it something else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without
telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it won't
prevent you from getting pregnant." As bizarre as it sounds, the
pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit. "It's hard for
businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits," said another attorney.
"With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer
groups, the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to
bring legal action against businesses - even a moronic legal
action like this."