Religious "Stuff" 001
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My chanukah cards this year were all environmentally
correct, they were made from recycled christmas trees...
by Elliot N. Schubert
'T was the night before Chanukah, as it is said
And Santa was sitting and hocking his head
He had all the toys wrapped up nice in his zeckel
For maidlach and boys to give each one a peckel
The reindeer were saddled and ready to fly
Like a crew of brave astronauts all through the sky
But Santa was starving to eat a good meichel
Some regular food that would stick to his beichel
Not plum cakes or mincemeat or peppermint candy
But some kosher cooking he thought would be dandy
So he called to his reindeer, "Hey, kinder, let's go
To a Jewish balbusta and don't be so slow."
The house had no chimney, so he went through the door
And kissed the mezzuzah and jumped on the floor
Then the man of the house said, "Santa you devil
Come on, don't be shy and see our split level
The night is still early, there's plenty of zeit
So come in the den and please have a bite
If only we knew you were coming, by gosh
But I'll call out the wife and she'll give you a nosh
A slice of stuffed derma, a few little strudels
Some chicken salami, some flanken with noodles
Some blintzes, some kreplach, some lox and bialy
A bissel chopped herring, an end piece of chaleh
And if all of these goodies don't fill up your gatkes
Last but not least, some Chanukah latkes."
"A latke?" cried Santa, "what is this delight?"
On the outside it's golden and inside it's white.
On the outside so crisp and inside it's yummy
And he gobbled them up 'til he filled his fat tummy.
Then they gave him a dreidel and showed him the plays
And he took a menorah to light for eight days
And to give Santa some spirit and to show how they felt
For mazel they gave him some Chanukah gelt.
He beamed and he chuckled and said "Kine-ahaora,
I don't want to feel like a Chanukah schnorrer
To show you how much I enjoyed your Jewish snack
I'm leaving you everything, even my sack."
Then he called to his reindeer and said, "Luz mir gehn."
And each one got ready as he schlepped on the rein
"Giddyap Irving, Hoo Ha Sidney, Hi ho Sadie, Let's go Minnie,
Onward Gussie, Upward Solly, Ole Becky, Oy Vey Molly."
And they swore that he yelled as he rode out of sight
"MERRY LATKES" to all and to all a GOOD NIGHT."
Very Rough Translations of yiddish:
maidlach = girl
peckel = coin
meichel = meal
beichel = stomach
kinder = children
balbusta = lady of the house (usually a very nice description)
mezzuzah = Commandments inside a small oblong ornament attached to right side of the door jam
zeit = life
nosh = snack
stuffed derma = cow intestines
flanken = flank steak
blintzes = rolled like a crepe, but stuffed full with fruit & cottage cheese (or something similar)
bissel = a little piece
lox = smoked salmon (fish)
bialy = kind of roll, sold with bagels
chaleh = bread
gatkes = guts
latkes = potato pancakes
dreidel = special spinning top, with hebrew letters on the side, used for a game at Chanukah
menorah = candle holder for symbolic Chanukah candle lighting
mazel = luck
gelt = coins
schnorrer: cheapskate, typically used to descibe someone who always takes, but never gives anything back
The Two-Minute Haggadah
A Passover service for the impatient.
By Michael Rubiner
Posted Tuesday, April 11, 2006, at 1:25 PM ET
Michael Rubiner writes for movies and television. His work has appeared in many publications,
including The New Yorker, the New York Times, and Rolling Stone.
Article URL: http://www.slate.com/id/2139601/
Copyright 2007 Washingtonpost.Newsweek Interactive Co. LLC
Thanks, God, for creating wine. (Drink wine.)
Thanks for creating produce. (Eat parsley.)
Overview: Once we were slaves in Egypt. Now we're free. That's why we're doing this.
1. What's up with the matzoh?
2. What's the deal with horseradish?
3. What's with the dipping of the herbs?
4. What's this whole slouching at the table business?
1. When we left Egypt, we were in a hurry. There was no time for making decent bread.
2. Life was bitter, like horseradish.
3. It's called symbolism.
4. Free people get to slouch.
A funny story: Once, these five rabbis talked all night, then it was morning. (Heat soup now.)
The four kinds of children and how to deal with them:
Wise child—explain Passover.
Simple child—explain Passover slowly.
Silent child—explain Passover loudly.
Wicked child—browbeat in front of the relatives.
Speaking of children: We hid some matzoh. Whoever finds it gets five bucks.
The story of Passover: It's a long time ago. We're slaves in Egypt. Pharaoh is a nightmare.
We cry out for help. God brings plagues upon the Egyptians. We escape, bake some matzoh. God
parts the Red Sea. We make it through; the Egyptians aren't so lucky. We wander 40 years in
the desert, eat manna, get the Torah, wind up in Israel, get a new temple, enjoy several years
without being persecuted again. (Let brisket cool now.)
The 10 Plagues: Blood, Frogs, Lice—you name it.
The singing of "Dayenu":
If God had gotten us out of Egypt and not punished our enemies, it would've been enough. If he'd
punished our enemies and not parted the Red Sea, it would've been enough.
If he'd parted the Red Sea—(Remove gefilte fish from refrigerator now.)
Eat matzoh. Drink more wine. Slouch.
Thanks again, God, for everything.
Three little Boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been Baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest Church.
But, only the Janitor was there.
One little Boy said,
"We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with Us.
Will You baptize Us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,
one at a time. Then He said, "You are now Baptized!".
When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do You think We are?"
The oldest one said,
"We're not Kathlick, .because they pour the water on You."
"We're not Babtis, .because they dunk all of You in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, .because they just sprinkle water on You."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking,
"Yeah! What do You think that means?" think it means we're Pisscopailians.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked
the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a
glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got
nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is
my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter pulling
contest at St. Taffy's.
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