Subject: Government Contractors Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official
While crossing the street one day, a US senator is hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you come in, though, there is a small matter that must be resolved. High officials seldom arrive in these parts, you see, so we lack a standard protocol for the disposition of your soul." "Well, since I'm here, why don't you just let me in?" asks the man. "I'd like to, but orders from higher up require you to perform an exercise to determine the appropriate eternal resting place for your soul. You must spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Afterwards, you will be allowed to decide where to spend eternity. "I've already made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." With that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, and the senator goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open, and he finds him self in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance he sees a clubhouse, and all his deceased friends and fellow politicians are standing in front of it. Everyone is attired in evening dress and appears to be very happy. As he steps out of the elevator, they all run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of their constituents. Then they play a friendly game of golf, followed by a sumptuous banquet of lobster, caviar and champagne. The devil, himself, presides over the merry making, and he turns out to be a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. The revelers are all having such a good time that before the senator realizes it, his 24 hours in hell are up. As he boards the elevator, everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves as he ascends to heaven. The senator goes up, up, up and when the elevator doors open, St. Peter is waiting for him in front of the pearly gates. As the gates swing open, St. Peter says, "Now it's time to visit heaven." The senator whiles away the 24 hours with a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time, and before he realizes it, his time in heaven has elapsed. St. Peter returns to fetch him. "Well, you've spent a day in hell and a day in heaven. Now it's time for you to choose where to spend eternity." The senator reflects for a minute before answering, "I would never have said this before, but even though heaven has been delightful, I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell again. This time when the doors of the elevator open, he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. His nostrils are assaulted by a fetid stench. He sees all his friends, now dressed in filthy rags, stooping to pick up the trash and put it in black bags as mor e trash falls on them from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. With a hearty laugh, the devil booms, "Welcome to an eternity in hell!" "I don't understand," stammers the senator in dismay. "Yesterday when I was here, there was a golf course and clubhouse, we ate lobster and caviar and drank champagne, and everyone was dancing and having a great time. Now there's just a wasteland of garbage, and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil smiles proudly and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."
I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday greeting. This can be an arduous task in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or other preferences of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: 1.This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. 2.This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher. 3.Finally this wish does not necessarily represent the views nor opinions of the sender, his family, extended or immediate, friends and the corporation or other entity of employment of any aforementioned individuals. …………………………………………………………………………………. The heck with this politically correct BS ------
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush face a firing squad in a small Central American country. First Bill Clinton is placed against the wall, and just before the order to shoot him is given, he yells, "Earthquake!" The firing squad panics and falls into disarray, and Bill jumps over the wall and escapes in the confusion. Al Gore is the second one placed against the wall. As the squad reassembles, Al ponders what his old boss has done. Just before the order to shoot is given, Al yells, "Tornado!" Again the squad falls apart, and Al is able to escape over the wall. Finally, George W. Bush, is placed against the wall. He thinks, "I see the pattern here: just scream out the name of some disaster and hop over the wall." As the firing squad reassembles and raises their rifles in his direction, he grins and yells, . . . . . . "Fire!"