Kids "Stuff" 001
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CERTAIN FACTS ABOUT LIFE
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends
and much more fun. - Megan, age 14
Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting
bumpier and bumpier and bumpier. - Angela Martin, age 11
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips!
And they don't let go for at least a minute. - Lisa Coburn, age 9
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now
I have to do the dishes every other day. - Nick Coleman,age 9
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see
what happens. I liked this girl and asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk.
Bruce Wagner, age 13
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Eighty-four, because at that age you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving
each other in your bedroom. - Judy, 8
Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. - Tom, age 5
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
On the first date they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for
a second date. - Mike, 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause
she'll want to have videos of the wedding. - Jim, 10
Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees
you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. - Kally, 9
THE GREAT DEBATE; IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them. - Lynette, 9
It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. - Kenny, 7
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume
and deodorant are so popular. - Jan, 9
I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be
so painful. - Harlan, 8
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. - Roger, 9
If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long. - Leo, 7
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. - Jeanne, 8
It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to
marry me yet. - Gary, 7
Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. - Christine, 9
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. - Dave, 8
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
I'm in favour of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television. - Anita, 6
Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since
I was five, but the girls keep finding me. - Bobby, 8
I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. - Regina, 10
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER.
One of you should know how to write a cheque. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still
going to be a lot of bills. - Ava, 8
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. - Del, 6
Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same
thing as love. - Alonzo, 9
One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something She likes to eat. French fries usually
works for me. - Bart, 9
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell he's in love. - John, 9
Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about
the food. - Brad, 8
It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's
just like how their hearts are...on fire. - Christine, 9
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY 'I LOVE YOU'
The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day.- Michelle, 9
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. - Doug, 7
It might help to watch soap operas all day. - Carin, 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE
It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it. - Jean, 10
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. - Tom, 7
Don't forget your wife's name... That will mess up the love. - Roger,8
Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. - Randy, 8
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a
large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so The pastor walked up, stood beside the
little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still focused on the
"Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor. The pastor said,"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young
men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible
and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"
history in their own words........... and I can hardly wait to see what my own will insist that they heard.
From teachers' irreplaceable files.....of 8th grade through college "student reports":
1) Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2) The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were
created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3) Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without
any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever
4) Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5) The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also
had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6) Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7) Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from
an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8) In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9) Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one
place for very long.
10) Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because
they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11) Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12) Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
13) Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
14) In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote
many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
15) Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
16) Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her
troops they all shouted "hurrah."
17) It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another
important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
18) The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never make much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last
wish was to be laid by Juliet.
19) Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author
was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
20) During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America
while cursing about the Atlantic.
21) Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard
one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
22) One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
23) Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing
two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
24) Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution
the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
25) Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born
in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his
seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a
supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
26) Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also
wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when
the apples are falling off the trees.
27) Johann Bach wrote a great may musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he
practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was
the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half
English. He was very large.
28) Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks
in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
29) The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted
an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
30) The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in
the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who
practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31) The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing
by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis
Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
32) The First World War, Caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in
the anals of human history.
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