Funny "Stuff" 014

THE DILLARD'S SHOPPING TRIP
(This is just too funny! This could only be true; you simply can't
Make this stuff up! Oh for you who don't know this:Dillard's is
a nice department store.)
 
Clutching their Dillard's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully
Gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a
Recent hit...no flies, no smell. What business could that poor kitty
Have had here?' murmured Ellen.
 
'Come on, Ellen, let's just go...'
 
But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining,
'I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue.'
She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue
Paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Dillard's
Bag and cover it.
 
They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their
Goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left
Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the TEXAS sunshine while
They ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.
 
They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed
Over to Luby's Cafeteria. After they went through the serving line
And they sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy
With the Dillard's bag still on the trunk.

BUT not for long! As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham
Shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then
Took the Dillard's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out
Of their line of vision.
 
Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all
Happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond.
'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen. 'The nerve of that woman!'

Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laug h was building as she
Thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief. Just when
She thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's
Eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line.

Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt
With THE Dillard's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing
Her tray toward the cashier. Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:

After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from
Theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat.

After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually
Lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side
To side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables
Over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.
Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise.
The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor,
Wheezing and clutching her upper chest.

The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in
Trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered
The Heimlich maneuver. A crowd quickly gathered that did not
Include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for
Seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived.

In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt
Emerged from the crowd, still gasping, and securely strapped
On a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to
The waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings.

The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she
Disappeared behind the ambulance doors,............... The Dillard's
Bag perched on her stomach!!

Sometimes, God does take care of those who do bad things!
(AND onc e in awhile...He allows us to witness it!)

Eat your heart out, Jay Leno.
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

 GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
 The Tallahassee Bugle

 MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
 The Anchorage Alaska Times

 GOVERNOR'S PENIS BUSY [should be "Pen Is"]
 The New Haven Connecticut Register

 THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
 The Arkansas Plainsman

 CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
 Bangor Maine News

 STARR AGHAST AT FIRST LADY SEX POSITION
 The Washington Times

 CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
 The Bosnia Bugle

 LONG ISLAND STIFFENS FOR LILI'S BLOW
 Newsday

 ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
 San Antonio Rose

 PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
 Chicago Daily News

 TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
 The Miami Herald

 MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
 The New Haven Connecticut Register

 GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
 The Tallahassee Democrat

 WOULD SHE CLIMB TO THE TOP OF MR. EVEREST AGAIN?  ABSOLUTELY!
 

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO STEVEN WRIGHT:
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
     
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
     
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.
     
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
     
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
     
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
     
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
     
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
     
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
     
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."
He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
     
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"
Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
     
While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it
with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"
     
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
     
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
     
On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.
     
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
     
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
     
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, Do you know the speed
limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
     
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, Didn't you see the
stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
     
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled
over, the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly],
and says, "Here, you can go."
     
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor. Who in their
right mind would park in the passing lane?"
     
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then
sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
     
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.
     
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
     
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
     
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
     
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No,
I made a few mistakes."
     
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.  "Hello,
Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch."
     
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep;
the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
     
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.  I was
an only child . . . eventually.
     
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost
fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

Different Point of Views
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken
lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split
up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" said my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

Wine Drinking friends

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't...

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer
there is freedom in water there is bacteria

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists
have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have
absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.
coli) -bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine &
beer (or tequila,rum, whiskey or other liquor) because
alcohol has to go through a purification process of
boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water =Poop, Wine =Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.

After 35 years of accident-free driving I finally had a wreck.

I am fine, but it was one of those stupid rear end collisions which could have been avoided.

To my surprise, the guy whose car I hit was a dwarf. He stormed out of his car, stomped back
to my car and shouted at me, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So in my typical smartass fashion, I asked him, "Well, then which one are you?"

I learned one thing about dwarfs: they don't have a sense of humor