Funny "Stuff" 009

NASA awards military contractor Lockheed Martin Corp. a multibillion dollar contract to build
spaceship to return astronauts to the moon.

Too many words, should read;

NASA awards Lockheed Martin multi-billion dollar contract to moon astronauts

Subject: Blonde Painter

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how
all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the
living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is
wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she
is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to
him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it, by painting the house. He
then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replied that she was reading
the directions on the paint can and it said . . .





"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he
meant business! He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall
and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks'
pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore
on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man."

As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing
about shark fishing." 

A man staggered into a hospital with a contusion, multiple bruises, twoblack 
eyes and a 5-Iron golf club wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them while I was looking around I noticed one of the
cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that ..."

Carnation Milk
When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just smile and think of this.
A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since
she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's,
she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan.
The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all...."She said,
“I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!” She sent in her entry, and about
a week later a black limo drove up in front of her house.  A man got out and said,
"Carnation LOVED your entry so much we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be
able to use it."
Here is her entry:

"Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull, no hay to haul
no buckets to wash, no shit to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!!! "

The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into WalMart with her two kids in tow,
screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The WalMart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to WalMart.  Nice children you've got there.
Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins.  The
oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.  Why the hell would you think they're twins?
Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about; 

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? 

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 

What disease did cured ham actually have? 

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to
put wheels on luggage? 
     
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? 

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? 

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? 

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things
on the ground? 

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. 

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural 

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent
human being would eat? 

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? 
     
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix
a hole in a boat? 

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! 

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? 

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? 

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
     
Why did you just try singing the two songs above? 

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid
when it's in your butt? 
     
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?