Funny "Stuff" 007
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he
had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar
that way. The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy
replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up
from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad
has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar
that way." The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of
hundreds," and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat
quietly...but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well--maybe you
should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to
the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to
see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with
one teacher, and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came
out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little
boys up one by one - holding onto their "tools" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."
"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the 4th, but thanks for the lift."
Walmart to Mrs. Gutierrez
Dear Mrs. Gutierrez
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. C. Gutierrez has been causing quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire
family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video
surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your
husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Gutierrez have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Brown, President and CEO of Wal Mart Complaint Department
MEMO Re: Mr. C. Gutierrez - Complaints things Mr. C. Gutierrez has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares
..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite
them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks,
'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'?
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he
knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal
position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And; last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very
loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
It's hell when you're retired and don't have anything to do!!!
A college professor told his students to write a short story with Religion, sex, and mystery
in it using as few word as possible.
The A plus essay was as follows:
Good God, I'm pregnant. Wonder who's it is.
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with >sugar in it, but we
weren't overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on. (or later)
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill,
only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we
learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels
on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal
computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis
balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell,
or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to
learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually
sided with the law! (Damn, that's the truth)
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
MIND GAME 2% or 98%
This is strange...can you figure it out?
Are you the 2% or 98% of the population?
Follow the instructions! NO PEEKING AHEAD!
* Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow.
* There's no trick or surprise.
* Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!
* Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them . really.
* Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something.)
Think of a number from 1 to 10
Multiply that number by 9
If the nu mber is a 2-digit number, add the digits together
Now subtract 5
Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with
(example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)
Think of a country that starts with that letter.
Remember the last letter of the name of that country.
Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter.
Remember the last letter in the name of that animal.
Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter.
Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?
I told you this was FREAKY!! If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds
are different enough to think of something else.. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos
in Denmark when given this exercise. This one is actually worth sending on to others.
Forward it to people you know so they can find out if they are usual or unusual.
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